Salt Bae’s London restaurant is open for Christmas - we imagined the festive menu

The viral star known online as ‘Salt Bae’ made headlines earlier this year for opening his brand-new steakhouse in Knightsbridge, London – complete with a meat menu with extortionate prices.

According to a receipt posted to Twitter in September, a giant tomahawk steak at Nusr-Et sets you back £630, and if you wanted to wash that down with a Red Bull, that’d be £11, please.

When Gemma Collins of The Only Way is Essex fame revealed she paid £1,450 for the 24-carat gold steak, she said she felt “sick”.

We’re not surprised.

Then, when it comes to staff wages, Salt Bae – who took social media by storm in 2017 for his signature salt-sprinkling – reportedly pays them the same as the cost of mash on his menu, at £12 to £13.50 an hour, plus tips.

While the salty personality - real name Nusret Gökçe - ended up leaving London six weeks after the restaurant opened in the capital (to launch his 28th restaurant in Saudi Arabia, of course), the steakhouse is still serving customers and looks set to open its doors throughout December.

Sign up to our free Indy100 weekly newsletter

Yet, with no festive menu available online and in the interests of ridiculing excessive capitalism, we’ve took it upon ourselves to imagine the fancy food on offer.

Merry Christmas.

The turkey

Given Salt Bae’s affinity for covering meat in something flashy, we’d imagine that the turkey – arguably the centrepiece of a Christmas dinner – would be covered in gold…

And frankincense…

And myrrh.

We can’t comment on the availability of the three wise men, though, as wisdom isn’t usually found amongst the clientele of a restaurant where you pay hundreds of pounds for a slab of meat.

The potatoes

Whether they’re the roast or mashed kind, they’ll probably triple the £12 they charged before.

Well, somebody’s got to pay the staff’s Christmas bonus.

The Brussels sprouts

Ah, the Marmite of Christmas. Turns out the restaurant’s keen you eat your greens so it’s that or a £50 charge added to your bill.

It’s okay, we hate 2021 too.

The stuffing

Oh, he’s definitely stuffing his pockets with the extortionate food prices.

What’s that, sorry? You mean the food?

The pigs in blankets

Blankets aren’t posh enough for Nusr-Et, so they’ll probably dunk the sausages in a rich jus and call it pigs in hot tubs.

That sounds far more expensive.

The mulled wine

There’s nothing comedic about this one. It’s genuinely just wine, with which to mull over your life choices.

The Christmas cracker

Salt Bae would no doubt do things a little differently, so the cracker would probably contain the receipt for your food, as that’s the biggest joke of them all.

The Christmas pudding

And to round the dinner off, there’s the pudding, of course, typically set on fire in some glorious festive spectacle.

Here we’d expect Salt Bae to come out of the kitchen, his famous black gloves replaced for the woolly kind, to swap salt for frosting.

He’ll sprinkle that over the pudding - which is stuffed with bank notes - before setting it alight, burning the dessert and a hole in your wallet at the same time.

Christmas with the in-laws is less torturous.