People are embracing being 'boysober' – and it's much more than a small TikTok trend

Some may describe dating in the digital age as a cesspit. Let me give you a taste: App fatigue; sudden and unexpected ghosting; navigating situationships; making up, breaking up and then making up again – before plucking up the courage to ask the all-important question: What are we?

Chances are, the conversation didn't go down as planned. Let me guess, they're "still not sure what they want" (a year into dating).

Well now, there's a new movement that people from across the globe are getting on board with: Going 'boysober' and making the conscious decision to take a break from sex and dating. The phrase was coined by Brooklyn-based comedian Hope Woodard, who frequently shares her boysober journey online with millions of curious viewers.

Boysober isn't about suppressing sexuality or a prudish anti-sex ideology. It's the opposite. It's embracing a new wave of sex positivity after years of unfulfilling flings and romantic encounters.

It turns out it's much bigger than a small-scale Gen Z TikTok trend, with people of all ages and genders taking a break from men across the world. It's much more than modern-day celibacy, and some people are taking part without even knowing.

Having been someone who spent my entire teenage years in a long-term relationship and finding myself navigating singlehood for the first time in my late twenties, I found the single rebirth all too daunting: the apps, the sleazy remarks, the unwarranted DMs. I hadn't even had time to find myself, let alone the capacity to find someone else.

Instead, I rejected the old-age mantra of getting back out there to get over the last decade and made the conscious decision to embrace my new life, spending time working on myself, my career and confidence, experiencing new things and seeing more of my friends and family – something many are deprived of in the wrong type of relationship.

I started seeing the world through a new lens and fell in love with single life. And while, to this day, the freedom is truly empowering, my naivety came crashing down when I dipped my toe in dating and was rudely awakened to the realities.

I grew up on The Mindy Project and Sex and the City, which made dating seem all too easy. In reality, I lasted a single week on Hinge. Sure, I went on a date here and there, but nothing felt fulfilling.

It certainly made me doubt myself and question my decisions in men, so much so, Taylor Swift's 'Anti-Hero' became my new anthem: It's me, hi, (maybe) I'm the problem, (maybe) it's me. I went on a man-ban until the time felt right to revisit when I fully knew what I was looking for, with hopes something would organically grow when I was ready.

Singer, Savvy Heels owner and former Love Island contestant Savanna Darnell also gets it, after taking a step back from romantic relations after "investing a lot of energy into the wrong people."

"As women, I think we naturally have a tendency to nurture and look after others, but I had to take a step back and recognise that the energy I was pouring into these relationships wasn’t being returned," Savanna told Indy100.

Instead, she opted to go a man-ban and redirect her attention ultimately towards "the people who truly appreciate and reciprocate the love I give."

Savanna is seven months deep and "loving it." She questions why she would "welcome a man into [her] life who doesn't bring the same level of love and commitment," especially when she already has people around her who surprise, celebrate, support and reassure her.

Going boysober is a months-long period of self-reflection that allows people to gain clarity on what they truly want and deserve in a relationship.

"In the past, I found myself bending or changing my standards just because I liked someone, but I’ve realised that this only leads to disappointment and unfulfilling relationships," Savanna said. "Now, I’m committed to upholding the same standards I have in my day-to-day life with my family and friends when it comes to romantic relationships."

Standards are there for a reason and reflect a person's "values, self-respect and kind of love" they're seeking.

"Sticking to my non-negotiables means that I’m no longer willing to compromise on the things that truly matter to me, and that’s been a game-changer in how I view relationships and self-worth. It’s about honouring myself first and ensuring that anyone who enters my life does the same," she added.

Another man, who wishes to remain anonymous, also embarked on his boysober journey unintentionally.

"I just wanted to have an era of my life, that didn’t allow my feelings to be based upon the way a boy treats me. The power of my emotions belongs to me," he said. "I have been 'boysober' for nearly a year. It is very empowering as you realise that you have the control to just do whatever you want without the worry of being dependent on someone else to lift your mood."

It taught him to appreciate life at present and to not look externally for validation or love. "I believe your friends are your soulmates and boys are just an extension of your life," he added.

It's not restricted to us regular folk either. Suki Waterhouse lifted the lid on her lengthy bout of celibacy in 2023 before finding love with The Batman and Twilight star Robert Pattinson.

"It's just something about taking away the chaos of receiving attention, having to deal with it and texting people and getting those lurches of excitement," she told the Driven Minds: A Type 7 podcast at the time. "No dates [or] no nothing. It turned out to be great. I got very clear and got very comfortable with being by myself — then I ended up meeting my boyfriend."

More recently, Down the Drain author Julia Fox and supermodel Emily Ratajkowski also revealed they were a part of the celibacy rebrand.

Earlier this year, Fox clarified in TikTok comment that she was "2.5 years celibate and never been better."

Meanwhile, Emily 'EmRata' Ratajkowski revealed in a Vogue interview that she is opting to "decentralising men," in that she no longer finds romanticised relationships enticing. She reaffirmed her comments in a viral clip shared to TikTok with the text overlay: "When someone gives me the *tiniest* hug after months of celibacy."

Inevitably, some people have criticised the movement, with some conspiracy theorists creatively calling it a guise for population control and one describing it as "right-wing feminist separatism packaged in trendy terminology."

Another claimed it was "literally making women hate dudes on the daily."

People go boysober for different reasons, it's subjective to each person and their life experiences.

To put it plain and simple: Going boysober is not anti-men. It's simply a timeout.

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