Couple’s viral dispute over laundry sparks conversation about ableism in relationships

A couple’s argument over laundry has gone viral and sparked a conversation about ableism in relationships.

TikTok user @bonniedoes is a disability advocate who posted about an argument she was currently having with her husband over laundry.

In a two and half minute clip, Bonnie explained she was having to teach her husband in his thirties how to do laundry.

She said: “Time and again he has totally bungled it and been like, ‘I don’t know, it’s just so hard. I can’t do it.’

“Mind you he can do it, he’s a perfect execution engineer. He can do laundry.”

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Bonnie went on to explain that their marriage counsellor suggested getting a whiteboard that she could write instructions on – something she claims she suggested “years ago”.

In the clip, she asked: “Do I have a right to be annoyed and angry that it took him this long to do it, and then as soon as someone else suggests it, he falls all over himself and does it, and then wants a cookie for doing it?”

Many other TikTok users were on Bonnie’s side and some even shared her anger.

One person wrote: “He’s doing [it] on purpose and watching this video makes me want to divorce him even though I am not married to him.”

Another agreed, commenting: “He didn’t do it so you would do it. He knows you’re at the end of your tether so now he does it.”

Others even suggested what her husband is doing is something called “weaponised incompetence” – when someone pretends to not know how to do something or does it intentionally badly, so someone else does it for them.

Someone said: “NTA [not the asshole], perfect example of weaponised incompetence.”

Bonnie told Buzzfeed that she lives with multiple disabilities: “I live with a connective tissue disorder, multiple neurological conditions, a brain injury, and many other comorbidities that relate to those conditions.”

In a follow up to her original video, she explained that she has let him get away with it for so long because of internalised ableism.

She said: “One of the reasons it took me so long to put my foot down about all of this was because I didn’t see enough value in myself.

“I was, and I guess I should say still am, very much dealing with a lot of internalised ableism. I had people around me telling me constantly that I was so lucky that he stayed with me when I became much more ill.”

Bonnie continued, saying she had only recently come to the realisation about how little her husband was doing to help his disabled wife.

She said: “It hit me like a brick wall how much I have done alone, even though I’m in a partnership.”

Bonnie also revealed she was sharing the clips to try and help prevent any other disabled people going through the same thing.

“I don’t want other disabled people, and especially other disabled women to find themselves in the position that I am in.

“We’re always told that we don’t bring anything to the table, and once you hear something enough you can start to believe it. I want to remind them that you do have everything to bring to the table.”