A journey through the very worst of Valentine's Day

If this is love, you can keep it.

First off, gifts: Nothing says 'I'm devoted to you' like a keep calm and carry on fridge magnet:

Via Amazon

Or a colouring book:

Described as "the ideal gift for your girlfriend". Yes, if she is eight years old.

We also have concerns about this Valentine's Day bib:

Still, it's only £5.95!

Poundland, meanwhile, offers a range of gifts:

And over at Etsy, family got a little weird:

Very weird:

Then there is the marketing: Could this be the least-sexy Fifty Shades tie-in of all?

Here is something you will either love or hate:

Marmite has launched some spreadable body paint in "the wake of overwhelming demand".

If these people are having sex we want no part of it

Speaking of misguided promotions:

Apparently "a great deal of men are willing to ditch their girlfriends for reasons as misogynistic as ‘a car is easier to maintain than a girlfriend’, or that ‘unlike a girl, a car can’t talk’."

Saving the worst until last, we present mistresses cards

IllicitEccounters.com, the website for adulterers, has a range of cards for mistresses. Their best-seller reads:

Roses are red, Violets are Blue, It’s a good thing my wife doesn’t know I’m screwing you

Here's another one:

Love is dead...

More: Are these the greatest love poems of all time?