Larry David’s 20 funniest ever Curb Your Enthusiasm quotes

For more than 40 years now the great Larry David has been entertaining us with his unique and often hilarious views on the modern world around us

Now aged 76, David is for many a hero in the world of comedy and beyond. Not only was he the co-creator of Seinfeld he also gave the world Curb Your Enthusiasm, which are two of the undisputed best sitcoms ever and are both essentially about nothing other than the monotony of life and the awkward conflicts we often find ourselves in.

David’s observational comedy – whether picking up on small annoying idiosyncrasies or just completely inane moments from everyday life, like waiting for food in a restaurant or buying new clothes – continues to be a source of joy for viewers and possible torture for him.

Perhaps the funniest thing about this is that David plays a heightened version of himself on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Although it’s unlikely that he would actually get into any of the disputes that he gets into or say half of the stuff he does on the show in real life, he does genuinely seem at odds with the 21st century.

You won’t find him on any social media, he doesn’t seem a big fan of doing interviews or PR and definitely doesn’t like to be anywhere that is out of his comfort zone, as evidenced by his recent appearance at New York Fashion Week. But, you can’t help but love him for it as he says the things that many of us wish we could say, but never completely steps over the line of what is acceptable.

In many ways, David is a God among mere mortals (something he would definitely hate to be called) as he continues to produce world-class comedy after all these years. So, to celebrate the final ever episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm airing, bringing to an end the long running comedy, here are some of the great man's funniest quotes.

1. “Bald Asshole”? That’s a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group."

Larry will often defend the hair on his head – or lack thereof – and so he should.

2. "You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.”

Don’t wear sunglasses indoors around Larry.

3. "When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”

Larry has a unique solution to avoiding handshakes, very sensible during Covid.

4. "Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn’t involve a woman.”

Sadly, this might be true.

5. "I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.”

Larry might not always be up for a conversation but he’s trying to make the most of it when he does.

6. “There's a jet stream of bulls*** coming out of your mouth, my friend.”

Larry doesn’t take kindly to the weatherman’s forecast.

7. "I do hate myself but it has nothing to do with being Jewish."

Larry doesn’t mind mocking his faith but it has nothing to do with his self-esteem.

8. "He wanted to stop and chat with me - and I don't know him well enough for a stop and chat."

Next time someone tries to stop you for a chat in the street, consider it best to heed Larry’s advice.

9. “I'll have a vanilla... one of the vanilla bulls**t things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bulls**t latte, cappa thing. Whatever you got - I don't care."

Larry attempting to order a fancy coffee is a thing of beauty.

10. “You know what it is? You're always attracted to someone who doesn't want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn't want you... doesn't even acknowledge your right to exist, wants your destruction! That's a turn-on.”

Larry when contemplating whether he should date a Palestinian woman.

11. “Can I tell you something about apricots? ... 1 in 30 is a good one. It's such a low percentage fruit.”

“Low percentage fruit” is definitely a term you should be adding to your vocabulary.

12. “An employee is told that the customer's always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an a**hole.”

We’re sure the millions of people who have worked in customer services would agree with this.

13. “See this thing? It's a mezuzah. Got that? And I need you to put it over the door here. This is like a Jewish thing, you know, we put it over the door so every anti-Semite in the neighbourhood will know that we live here in case they want to burn down the house.”

Once again, Larry doesn’t mind mocking his Jewishness.

14. “I love this dog, it's not very often you get the chance to be affectionate to something German.”

German Shepherd’s have got the thumbs up from Larry.

15. “I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.”

Larry’s friends aren’t exactly clambering to talk to him, shall we say.

16. “What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?”

Considering that there are a lot of dinner party scenes in Curb Your Enthusiasm, he really doesn’t enjoy them.

17. “I’m not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.”

Note to self – never ask Larry David to do anything too taxing.

18. “A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.”

Much like dinner parties, Larry doesn’t like dates but goes on a lot of them.

19. "Congratulations on a great attempt at a chat and cut. Really good. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, that’s gonna work. Unfortunately, I happened to be in the line. So...”

Much like the “stop and chat” but much worse as it involves cutting into a queue, which is unforgivable.

20. "I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good."

The all-time classic Curb quote.

Long live Larry David.

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