Six things we’d like to see inside the Museum of Brexit

Fundraising for a Museum of Brexit has started. Yes, really.

It comes days after the first acts performing at the widely dubbed Festival of Brexit – which currently has a working title of Festival UK 2022 –were announced.

The United Kingdom is fast becoming the embodiment of a fever dream and we are living in scripted reality. When will Derren Brown knock on our doors to explain the social experiment we are undoubtedly part of? Will continental drift crash the UK into the Europe in a few years time and what will the political response be like? Time will tell. Time will tell.

Anyway, these are but some of the artefacts that we suggest could be housed in the Museum of Brexit.

1. Nigel Farage’s cigarette butt

A museum about Brexit would be unfathomable without a contribution from the father of Brexit, the former leader of the Brexit Party and renowned chain smoker, Nigel Farage. We are sure Brexiteers would love to suckle on the end of one of his discarded fag ends in the hope that some of his political brilliance is transferred through his spittle.

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2. Darren Grime’s gaming chair

Darren Grimes has been responsible for a lot of Brexit pontification over the last few years, and he delivered many of his infamous broadcast clips and tweets from the comfort of a gaming chair, much to the derision of onlookers:

Therefore, it would only be fitting for a Museum of Brexit to feature his throne.

3. Sovereignty

The purpose of Brexit was for Britain to regain its sovereignty. For too long we were shackled to the will of the EU. The UK Parliament was closed, Prime Ministers were puppets and the English language was banned.

People seem to have forgotten the days when we could not as much as have a glass of water without written permission from Ursula von der Leyen, but we all lived through these dark days.

But at last, our sovereignty is back and it should be exhibited in prime position at the museum in celebration. We’ll let the trustees decide how to display it.

4. Spam

During the Brexit negotiations it was feared that, if Britain failed to secure a free trade deal with the EU, it would be left with homemade produce, unable to import the large quantities of food we source from the EU without expensive tariffs.

Thankfully, free trade was secured, and Brits have not been left chopping potatoes and frying black pudding while singing Rule Britannia through tears. But this was only narrowly avoided and it’s important to recognise that.

5. A room wallpapered with Union Jack flags

The year is 2040. Britain has been out of the EU for almost 20 years . But one night, Mark Francois wakes up in a cold sweat from a nightmare screaming: “Our flag, our flag!” As he gathers his Union Jack duvet around him until his breathing returns to normal, he remembers that his campaign to enact an enormous piece of policy which was really just about a jingoistic obsession with a flag was successful.

This is to say, Brexiteers love the Union Jack and therefore a room covered in the red white and blue display of patriotism should be a key part of the museum’s offering.

It can’t be any more garish than a Wetherspoon pub carpet.

6. A bust of Tim Martin

Speaking of which, Wetherspoon boss Tim Martin is a staunch supporter of Brexit and donated £200,000 to the Vote Leave campaign in 2016.

It is only fitting, therefore, for a glass bust to be made of him using melted down pint glasses.

With all this on offer, there is no doubt that the museum will be a roaring success. We would like to offer our services to the museum as consultants, should they wish to take this advice.