11 of the worst sex tips women's magazines have given their readers

Glamour magazine managed the rare feat of welcoming near-ubiquitous condemnation from the internet on Monday after publishing some brain-meltingly awful advice on how women can get men to fall in love with them.

As well as imploring women to answer the door naked and offer massages to their partners ("happy-endings optional") it also urged its readers to make their partners grilled cheese snacks after sex and hand them a beer when they get out of the shower (?!).

In fact, so bad was "13 Little Things That Can Make a Man Fall Hard for You" that the magazine's editors have removed it from their website, admitting that it read like a "1950s marriage handbook".

But Glamour is far from the first women's magazine to offer truly terrible pointers to its readers and, alas, we fear it won't be the last.

So, for posterity, here are some of the other spectacularly awful pieces of advice dished out over the years:

Cosmopolitan

Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.

Via Nerve.com

Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.

Via Jezebel

Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower — wet skin is more sensitive.

Via Nerve.com

Instruct him to wrap your chest and torso in plastic wrap and touch you through it — the muted sensation feels amazeballs.

Via Nerve.com

Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple (make sure it’s not too hot), and ask your man if it’s spicy enough.

Via Cosmo

Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.

Via Cosmo

Put temporary tattoos of his name around your nipples, and give him a peek when you bend forward in an undone button-up.

Via Vagenda

Women's Health

Find a stuffed chair or sofa and ride the arm, starting with a small movement of the hips and then slowly building momentum. No sofa? No problem. Use the edge of a table or desk - just make sure you fold a thick towel or blanket over it first.

Via Women's Health

Marie Claire

Send out a mass text. the easiest way to get the word out that you're single (and looking) is by letting everyone know.

Via Marie Claire

Thought Catalog

Don’t hang out with anyone prettier/funnier/more charming than you. If you scoffed at that statement then riddle me this: If you went to a job interview with a subpar résumé written in crayon, would you bring along friends who have accolades and qualifications and typed up résumés that are printed on glossy paper and sexily three hole punched, resting on the coils of a leather-bound binder placed inside of a sleek, shiny briefcase? Would you do that? Don’t expect to leave with the job, Crayola, you stacked the deck against yourself.

Via Thought Catalog

And an honourable mention must also go to this, which is also from Cosmo:

Chew a small piece of mango… then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don't try anything too acidic, as it can burn him.

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