Jay Shetty: 'The trick to long relationships is realising you don't really know that person'

Be honest. When was the last time you reflected on the state of the relationships – both romantic and platonic - you have with your loved ones?

(We’re talking outside of specific holidays and occasions for this, Valentine’s and Galentine’s Day which have recently been and gone, and no, birthdays and anniversaries don’t count either).

That’s exactly what Jay Shetty wants us to think about.

Shetty is a #1 New York Times bestselling author, award-winning podcast host of On Purpose, Chief Purpose Officer of Calm, and purpose-driven entrepreneur. He's hoping all of us think and reflect as part of his new series “5 Steps to Stronger Relationships” with the mental health app Calm, which seeks to establish the foundations for deeper, healthier, and more rewarding relationships.

Shetty exclusively spoke to Indy100 about how to navigate conflict, let go of the past, and keep the spark alive.

“Everyone is feeling disconnected right now, and if you're feeling disconnected, if you're feeling like you're not connected to people, it's not because you're weak, it's not because you're inadequate, it's not because you're not worth it,” Shetty told Indy100, during a call from a rainy Los Angeles.

Jay Shetty shared with Indy100 the purpose behind his new series on CalmJay Shetty

“It's simply because we've all got busy, we've all got productive, and we've forgotten the deep relationships and to envelope as soon as they listen to the episode and be able to make a shift in their life."

Statistics show loneliness persistently continues to rise, early last year the American Psychiatric Association (APA) found that 30 per cent of adults say they have experienced feelings of loneliness at least once a week over the past year, while 10 per cent say they are lonely every day. Consequently, those experiencing loneliness are at a bigger risk of both physical and mental health challenges.

“I think being able to connect people without judgment in a compassionate way makes a huge difference,” Shetty added.

It puts into question contributing factors exacerbating this ongoing issue, and so we perhaps have to reflect inward and ask whether we’re showing up authentically in our relationships and confidently being ourselves. This inward introspection is a clear theme in Shetty’s series and there's a section called “Stop fitting, start belonging” which tackles this matter head-on.

“What's really interesting is that your whole life, you're told to stand in line, you're told to fit in, you're told to wear the same uniform, and then all of a sudden, when you grow up, you're told, be yourself, stand out, be authentic,” the life coach noted. “We've almost been conditioned since we were young to not express ourselves, and all of a sudden, when we're older, we're like, ‘Why are you hiding who you are?’”

While this is something most generations will have experienced, nowadays we have the added pressure of social media where we’re more performative and keen to keep up with what’s popular and trending - an element that Shetty believes is further compounding this issue.

"5 Steps to Stronger Relationships" the new Jay Shetty series on CalmCalm

“I think that's only amplified by social media, because what's really interesting about social media is we all follow similar people, we all follow similar events, we all follow similar things, and so you're not really exposed to that much originality, authenticity, uniqueness.

“We all have this pressure of keeping up. Like, ‘Have you watched this show?’ ‘Yeah, I've been watching that show too,’” he added that a “lot of our connection is based on entertainment”.

To improve our sense of authenticity and belonging, Shetty talks about the five Es to elevate their connections – which can be found in his “Keep dating everyone” episode where he urges us to break out of our comfort zone to further deepen the quality of our relationships and conversations. Outside of just entertainment, there are also experiences, experiments, events and education – which Shetty explains in the series and are all about “finding other ways to connect beyond the obvious allows us to find belonging rather than fitting in.”

While showing up on occasions such as Valentine’s Day is a good thing, things like this can “pressure on these performative days."

On this area, Shetty shared a quote from Buddha – “A student asked to ask the Buddha or a teacher asked the teacher, what's the difference between 'I like you' and 'I love you'. And the teacher replied, ‘When you like a flower, you simply pluck it, and when you love a flower, you water it every day.’"

He added: “I love that story because it's so simple, and it just reminds us of that idea of, let's figure out a way to make love real every day. Let's find a way to make love genuine every day and not get caught up in the performative aspects of love which no one really is ever satisfied by, and actually find a way that people feel safe, secure, stable and loved on a daily basis.”

Valentine's Day may be over but continuing to maintain and strengthen your relationship everyday is just as important, according to Shetty.iStockphoto by Getty Images

Showing up authentically is one thing, but contemplating the current state of our relationship is just as important according to Shetty – and there’s one reason he reckons why we might be avoiding this…

“I think there's a part of us that just thinks, ‘Well, I'm so close to this person, I don't want to ruin that.’ But here's the kicker, if you're scared of asking questions because it might weaken the relationship, it's the wrong relationship,” he said.

Now before you get your scorecard out, this doesn’t mean giving your partner or bestie a rating out of 10, instead we should focus on how these relationships make us feel.

“What we need to do is not measure the quantity of our relationships, which I think we do sometimes with the number of followers we have, the number of friends we have. It's also not even just to measure the quality of our relationships, because they can change. Sometimes you feel really close to someone, and sometimes you feel really far from someone,” Shetty outlined.

“What I encourage people to measure is for everything you want to feel in your life - safe, secure, excited, adventurous. Do you know which person brings that into your life? And then do you know which people in your life you bring that to?”

It could even be a case of needing to be “exposed to more people in your life that can introduce you to more ideas, more experiences and more emotions,” and also it’s just as vital to look inwards and think about whether you’re being a good friend and/or partner.

“Are we showing up in that way for them?” he asked. “So not only do we need to measure other people, we need to measure ourselves in our ability to help other people”.

Finding the time during our busy lives to be introspective and put this advice into action can be tricky, hence why Shetty’s series is specifically short (around 7-10 mins each).

“The sessions are so bite-sized, they're so easy to consume. I would love it if everyone could just listen to one session in a day, or one session a week, and then that way you're able to implement the ideas and practice them,” he said.

Furthermore, Shetty speaks from personal experience as he reveals to listeners that he’s maintained a strong connection with his wife, Radhi Devlukia Shetty, who have been together 12 years (married nine years).

“I'm always trying to reflect on where I've tripped up and whatever it may be, and I think for me, one of the biggest things that's definitely helped me is something that I've learned with my wife,” he shared.

“It’s really easy, after 12 years, to think you know someone and the trick is to realize you don't know them. You just know part more parts of them than you did before. So for me, we're constantly trying to find new activities, new experiments and new things we can do together, because that's what helps me learn new things about her.”

Since it was released back on February 5, Shetty sounded delighted at the feedback he’s received from his listeners about the Calm series.

“Oh, it’s been amazing. I love getting messages every week about how the content we've created has impacted people's lives,” he revealed. “I know people who are connecting more deeply with their children as they listen to it. I know people sending it to their partner and connecting over it. I know people sending it to friends and connecting over and so I love the fact that it's impacting people in all different relationships, whether they're romantic or not.”

Shetty's podcast ‘On Purpose with Jay Shetty’ has 3.7m subscribers on YouTube, and was 34 in the top 50 podcasts in the US on Spotify last year, where he has interviewed celebrities and public figures such as Selena Gomez, Kobe Bryant, Kim Kardashian, Lewis Hamilton many more.

In these interviews, guests tend to open up to him about their experiences in the spotlight – but how does the podcaster create a safe space for them to relax?

“To me, when I sit down with people, my goal is to create a compassionate space to let their inner child out, to give them a place where they can allow the part of themselves that they've hidden from the world because they're scared it will be judged,” he stated.

“I think it's important to create that space for people in our life, not just on an interview. I think doing this for our family members because a lot of our family members won't share what their struggles are, because they're scared that we're going to think they're weak or judge them and we may say we won't, but everyone's felt it.”

Out of all of the guests Shetty has had on his podcast, one which particularly stood out to him was actor Tom Holland who talked about his sobriety journey.

“I was saying that probably the first person I go to is Tom Holland because he spoke so openly about his sobriety journey. Sharing his surprise journey, he received so much judgment, and so he talked so openly about that, and so it was a perfect example of someone who's being vulnerable, who's opening up and received judgment off of that, not from our show, but from before when he did it. So it was amazing for him to be so open and that was received so well."

He continued: “I still get people coming up to me, and Tom told me afterwards as well that he had so many people coming up to him saying he was one of their favourite things. That openness to share was extremely powerful. I was really glad that he trusted me as well with that.”

The theme of opening up is something which Shetty hopes people take not just from his podcast but from his Calm series too.

“I just hope that people walk away and if they feel close to one person if everyone can walk away feeling closer to one person in their life, that will be the success of the series, and I really believe it will do that.”

The new content series with Jay Shetty, “5 Steps to Stronger Relationships” is now available to listen to on Calm.

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