14 things you should never say to a British person

We Brits like to give the impression of having a stiff upper lip – but say the wrong thing to us and we’ll be utterly bloody peeved.

So, if you ever come to our Isles or meet one of us abroad, here’s a rough outline of what you should never say to us.

Have you met the Queen/Kate Middleton/Stephen Fry?

There are a lot of us living on this glorious island – and we spend most of it with our heads down. The chances are, we may have walked past a national treasure or a member of the royal family at some point, but we were too busy inspecting a receipt or scowling at a dawdler to notice.

What did you do for the royal wedding?

You may be surprised to learn that there are many people who simply don't care about the royals. She may be on our money, but the Queen isn’t our favourite topic of conversation. And no, we don’t know the national anthem.

Why is your food so bad?

One thing you need to learn about the British is that we love relishing in the bad and miserable. We’ve grown up with rainy days, package holidays and, yes, soggy chips, limp pasties, greasy takeaways and grey sandwiches. What might look bad to you gives us unparalleled, nostalgic comfort.

Why do you eat beans in a morning… on toast?

Stay well away our breakfast habits.

Why do you love queuing?

We have no idea where this stereotype comes from, and spend our whole time in queues wondering what the alternative is. We hate queuing, and we look miserable doing it - we just love order more than we hate queuing.

So, how's Brexit going?

Brexit talk is banned.

Why do you drink so much tea?

If you spend a day in Britain, you'll know exactly why. You'll soon see the cold weather, early mornings and the slow tedium of life that can only be disrupted by a trip to watch water boil in a kettle - and understand exactly why we relentlessly fill our empty vessels with tea.

Why are you all so polite to each other?

We're as rude as anyone else, we just keep all the rage bottled up until football matches, Love Island finals and other unifying moments of national outcry.

Why do you have so many words to say goodbye?

It's considered rude not to end a conversation with, "bye, cheerio, take care, cheers, thanks".

Why is everyone obsessed with Mary Berry?

In our angry, politically charged times, Mary Berry is the only person we all love. You don't need to understand it, but you need to not question it. Stick on an episode of the Great British Bake Off and find out for yourself.

But you said you were fine.

Fine never means we're okay. You'll learn.

Why don't you speak any other languages?

Us Brits are unique in that we feel like we don't need to learn any other languages. Its rather bizarre. There are also those who think speaking our mother tongue louder and slower when we're on holiday works, when it really doesn't.

Moist

This word is banned.

Is a Jaffa Cake a cake or a biscuit?

Just, don't.

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