14 of the most ridiculously named conservative events at CPAC 2020

CPAC, the Wrestlemania for Conservatism, kicked off on Wednesday at the Gaylord National Resort and Conference Centre in Potomac, Maryland.

To say that it is the biggest gathering of conservatives in the United States would be an understatement, as it is virtually every prominent conservative and member of the right assembles to gloat and debate, usually about left wing politics and how socialism is trying to ruin everything.

Everyone from Donald Trump to members of congress to podcast hosts and NRA spokespeople can be drafted in to voice their opinions on the matters currently concerning conservatives and it is never anything less than fascinating and often horrifying.

Last years, the four day event saw Trump hug the US flag, Trump Jr make jokes about #MeToo, someone insult "the ghost of John McCain", Mike Pence claiming "freedom" won two world wars and ended slavery and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez bizarrely become a target for meat eaters.

Needless to say, it's can be pretty unhinged and you are never really sure what someone is going to say.

With this years event, once again set to host the Trumps as well as prominent Republicans, Fox News hosts, meme makers and even Nigel Farage, you can be sure that something outrageous will be muttered between now and Saturday.

While we wait to see what they might actually be here are a list of some of the unapologetically ridiculous names of some of the events and speeches that are due to happen, where we would put money of the words "loony left" and "Nervous Nancy" being said to rapturous applause.

Wednesday:

Socialism: Wrecker of Nations and Destroyer of Societies

Judging by this years agenda, the first two days of CPAC aren't much to shout about as the real headline acts don't turn up to Friday. But there are a few notable speeches that have probably already happened by the time that you read this piece. Think of these as the smaller acts at V Festival that will probably get a song on an insurance or DFS advert in seven years time.

Wednesday didn't have much on it's agenda that caught attention this discussion on how socialism destroys nations, societies, economies and ultimately humanity, featuring former national security advisor KT McFarland, Trump's former director of strategic communications Mercedes Schlapp (yes, that is her real name) and Dick Cheney's daughter, Liz Cheney, was almost definitely insightful and well researched.

Thursday:

Moving on to Thursday and you'll find a list of events that literally sound like angry rants posted by bedroom dwelling 29-year-olds on 4Chan and we have to admit, that some of these are true works of literary magnificence.

Here are a few of our favourites:

The Coup: Rosenstein & Comey - The Empire Strikes Back

In which we can only guess Rep. Doug Collins and Fox's Sara Carter vent fury at former FBI director James Comey and former deputy attorney general Rod Rosenstein, while dropping the odd Star Wars reference.

The Coup: Impeachment--Hyped Slimes and Nancy’s Schemers

There will be no fewer than six panel discussions on the impeachment at CPAC and we expect this one featuring Rep. John Ratcliffe to feature the most mud slung at Nancy Pelosi, although we are willing to be proven wrong.

Prescription for Failure: The Ills of Socialized Medicine

This one features minority whip Steve Scalise and we can probably guess that it is nothing more than an attempt to discredit free health care and a socialist scam but to be honest we are just her for the name which sounds like a rejected title for a Guns 'n' Roses album.

What Lies Beneath the Surface: The Global Struggle for Resources and the 21st Century Socialist Axis of Evil

The "axis of evil" was a term coined by George W. Bush during his 2002 State of the Union address to describe the nations Iraq, Iran and North Korea, which he believed to be housing 'weapons of mass destruction.'

In 2020, that term is now being used to describe socialism. Good to see how far we have come in 18 years.

Everything You Wanted to Know About Russiagate but Were Afraid to Ask

"Russiagate" is another name for the alleged Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election. Somehow we can't imagine this panel discussion being a balanced and democratic debate...

FBI Lovebirds: UnderCovers (A play written by Phelim McAleer)

If it were up to us, this play about Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, the former FBI agents who were fired after they were discovered to be having an affair and subsequently became a target for Trump, would get top billing at CPAC, as none other than Dean "Superman" Cain and Kristy "the original Buffy" Swanson will be treading the boards in what is sure to be a scintillating tour de force akin to the finest works of Harold Pinter. ​I mean, just look at this preview.

The Coup: SpyGate

The final "coup" discussion of note is "SpyGate" featuring Rep. Devin Nunes, the man who apparently uncovered an FBI "conspiracy" to oust Trump and Dan Bongino, a conservative commentator who often looks so angry when he's on TV that one day he might well and truly explode. A civilised debate is expected.

Friday

Israel: What Should the Map Look Like?

On to Friday and we have this debate which we can't even begin to think about what will be said about the current state of Israel in a panel discussion moderator by Scott Walker, the governor of Wisconsin, who recently compared Uber and socialism to a "highly regulated, highly restricted taxi service." Cartographers, look away now.

Nigel Farage - The "Godfather of Brexit"

When Donald Trump said 'they're not sending their best' he was talking about Mexico but he probably should have been talking about Britain because Nigel Farage cannot keep away from there and the fact that he is now being billed as "the Godfather of Brexit" has caused us to be a little bit in our mouths.

Crucial Campaign Skills: Protecting the Ballot Box & Defeating The Left's Voter Fraud Machine

The recent farcical scenes at the Iowa caucus left people waiting nearly a week to find out which Democrat had won that respective vote. It wasn't a good look for them and wouldn't be the first time that a vote in the US has gone a bit pear shaped thanks to voting machines. If you are interested in learning more about these alleged 'fraud machines' we advise you to tune in to a discussion featuring Justin Clark who is (checks notes) a member of Trump's re-election campaign team and Jenna Ellis, checks notes again...Trump's legal adviser.

Energy, Costs and Defeating the Climate Delusion

This one is particularly disturbing as if would appear that conservatives have found their very own "Bizarro version" of Greta Thunberg, 19-year-old German Naomi Seibt, who is being dubbed as the 'anti-Greta.' The YouTuber and self-proclaimed 'climate realist' is already being championed by members of the right but, to be honest, we doubt she will ever win Time Person of the Year.

Saturday

"Every Vote Counts" ... Especially When the Counts Are Rigged

Saturday sees the "big dog" Donald J. Trump speak at CPAC for probably around seven hours until they finally have to turn the lights off and send everyone home. Others speaking include Sebastian Gorka and Glenn Beck, who last year compared socialism to the Friday the 13th horror movies. We're sure their eloquent takes on society will be warmly received but one discussion that did catch our eye is this one, which seems to be insinuating that the American voting system is rigged, which is kinda rich from a party that is only in power through the electoral college and not the public vote.

The Unshackled Voices of Socialist Regimes

Lastly we have this talk which we can only presume features readings from people who have survived the socialism around the world. That doesn't sound that interesting but we should point out that this will see an appearance from Eduardo Bolsonaro, the third child of Jair Bolsonaro, the current president of Brazil who is a climate change denier and homophobe.

More: The 6 most misleading statements from Trump's CPAC speech​